I don't fucking care. I'm a materialistic person who enjoys having her own things. I'm also immensely selfish and all I care about are the things I like and indulging myself. Things I think in my head are mine I resent anyone who tell me otherwise. I hate sharing and I hate being generous and kind. I don't help people even though they help me. I am a self-centered, egotistical bitch and I like living as one. I'm the kind of hypocrite that treats her things like crap until someone wants to cherish them. I don't like to change, so chances are I won't. I'm a hateful, spiteful creature who should never have kids. I'm childish, petty, and I secretly hold grudges. This is the moment where I truly, honestly believe that I shouldn't even be alive. It's too bad for the rest of the world. They have to deal with me. They have to cater to my every whim while I scoff at people. I'm not independent by any means, but I expect everyone around me to be because I'm useless and I like to keep it that way so I won't have to do anything. You could say I'm an attention whore.
I'm also the kind of person that cries when reading manga, or books. I'm the kind of person that could defend any side and actually conjure up emotion and empathy for it if I really tried to see honestly. I'm the kind of person who wants all or nothing. Not half. I'm the kind of person who could believe in anything. I might not be able to make things for myself (no faith) but I do believe for others. When I know something, it becomes so true to me, that nothing else exists. But it's never concrete.
I'm the kind of person who can't console anybody, who won't help others and who indulges herself way too much. But I also care a lot, in spite of everything.
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
Saturday, July 25, 2009
Love is in the air (in various forms like an airborne contagious disease)
So yeah. Still a bit interested, but kind of bitter by the fact that he screwed me over. Oh well, it was just practice, right?
I'm not so sure about that.
He's particularly prickly with me. He sees I'm really trying to pass this course, but he's also not making things particularly easier for me. He's, you know, the kind of teacher that's sarcastic and tortures you with work and more practice until you die for your own damn good and that pisses me off. Why couldn't he just let us off easy? Because he's all about tough love. You can pretty much see it in the way he handles some other kids in our class. Granted, I'm the oldest one and probably the most disciplined one (read: submissive), so obviously the other younger, more class-clown types get more interaction. But as I said before, I'm very obviously trying and I'm ignored. I've never really stuck out in general, but teachers notice me.
I'm being really self-centered here, but it's true. I'm the one that asks good questions, the one who's surprisingly good at rescuing people (despite popular belief, including my own) and yet I'm brushed aside like yesterday's expired meat loaf. I guess a big part of this rant is coming from the part that wants special attention, the one that's kind of infatuated with him. That's probably the worst thing that could happen, to be honest.
I think out of all the composers we've done so far, Berlioz is my favourite. Not for his music, mind you. For his life. I can't be bothered to remember his first or middle names, his date or place of birth, whether he's a romantic composer or not. What I can be bothered to remember is that one of his most famous pieces, Symphonie fantastique, was inspired by his delusional love and hatred for this woman he stalked for several years.
Interesting? You have no idea. This woman ended up being his wife after a decade or so. Very emotional, actually, he's got a pretty shitty love life if you think about it. Be spurned by the woman you love because she's scared of you and runs off to America to be a famous actress. Write a symphony telling the story of a guy who kills his beloved because she was a witch (and yet he gets prosecuted and dies for committing murder) and on the opening night of that symphony, the woman you love/hate comes to see it and says hi. Then you marry her, her acting company flops, you begin to hate each other, she dies. Lovely, ain't it?
And so on. Sigh. If I was honest with myself, I'd have to admit that I was thinking of asking this guy out. I've been talking to him a lot and I've actually always talked to him a bit. We both kind of have mixed feelings, I can tell, but I don't know if he likes me. I don't even know if I like him, but it seems like we're kind of already going out. It's weird. Okay, let me rephrase that. The time we spend together is like we're going out. We're not. I think I've read too much romance or something. I'm boycrazy and I hate it.
Let's hope I snap out of this self-delusion and magically pass History III, Harmony III, Bronze Cross, and my G1 in the month of August, as well as score a summer job that gets me great benefits with a minimal amount of work before I have to start filling in fifty thousand diagnostic student get-to-know-you-better papers in September. I swear, the teachers either just lose them after the first week or recycle them, there's really no point in them.
I'm not so sure about that.
He's particularly prickly with me. He sees I'm really trying to pass this course, but he's also not making things particularly easier for me. He's, you know, the kind of teacher that's sarcastic and tortures you with work and more practice until you die for your own damn good and that pisses me off. Why couldn't he just let us off easy? Because he's all about tough love. You can pretty much see it in the way he handles some other kids in our class. Granted, I'm the oldest one and probably the most disciplined one (read: submissive), so obviously the other younger, more class-clown types get more interaction. But as I said before, I'm very obviously trying and I'm ignored. I've never really stuck out in general, but teachers notice me.
I'm being really self-centered here, but it's true. I'm the one that asks good questions, the one who's surprisingly good at rescuing people (despite popular belief, including my own) and yet I'm brushed aside like yesterday's expired meat loaf. I guess a big part of this rant is coming from the part that wants special attention, the one that's kind of infatuated with him. That's probably the worst thing that could happen, to be honest.
I think out of all the composers we've done so far, Berlioz is my favourite. Not for his music, mind you. For his life. I can't be bothered to remember his first or middle names, his date or place of birth, whether he's a romantic composer or not. What I can be bothered to remember is that one of his most famous pieces, Symphonie fantastique, was inspired by his delusional love and hatred for this woman he stalked for several years.
Interesting? You have no idea. This woman ended up being his wife after a decade or so. Very emotional, actually, he's got a pretty shitty love life if you think about it. Be spurned by the woman you love because she's scared of you and runs off to America to be a famous actress. Write a symphony telling the story of a guy who kills his beloved because she was a witch (and yet he gets prosecuted and dies for committing murder) and on the opening night of that symphony, the woman you love/hate comes to see it and says hi. Then you marry her, her acting company flops, you begin to hate each other, she dies. Lovely, ain't it?
And so on. Sigh. If I was honest with myself, I'd have to admit that I was thinking of asking this guy out. I've been talking to him a lot and I've actually always talked to him a bit. We both kind of have mixed feelings, I can tell, but I don't know if he likes me. I don't even know if I like him, but it seems like we're kind of already going out. It's weird. Okay, let me rephrase that. The time we spend together is like we're going out. We're not. I think I've read too much romance or something. I'm boycrazy and I hate it.
Let's hope I snap out of this self-delusion and magically pass History III, Harmony III, Bronze Cross, and my G1 in the month of August, as well as score a summer job that gets me great benefits with a minimal amount of work before I have to start filling in fifty thousand diagnostic student get-to-know-you-better papers in September. I swear, the teachers either just lose them after the first week or recycle them, there's really no point in them.
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