Wednesday, December 28, 2011
Saturday, December 10, 2011
Now, I'm not sure..
..if I should go down this spiral of pretend self-destruction because a) this pretend self-destruction might lead to actual self-destruction or b) people around me will think I'm being self-destructive and therefore act as if I was, leading back to a).
I mean, on one hand, doing this is like creating a whole new role for me to play-act and it would be so fun. I could spend all my time thinking this out properly, you know, making a list of things that should mark my supposed self-destruction in a gradual, chronologically way. Like, small things first, maybe eating less, not taking care of my hygiene, then eventually things like not going to lecture closely followed by seeking out pot-sellers. I'll hang out with them and maybe try pot once or twice.
On the other hand, I would also have to face the consequences of looking like I'm headed down a straight path to nowhere. My mother freezing me out, maybe kicking me out (yes, I live with my mommy) or my brother being an asshole (very effective, but not much different really) or cousins/other extended family asking all sorts of intrusive questions. I don't know.
Even more to the point, is that even really self-destruction? I mean, yeah, taking drugs could be self-destructive, but my plan is really tame. A lot of people have taken one or two hits and have been perfectly un-self-destructive. Not going to lecture? Who cares? I mean, honestly, how many people even go to lecture?
It's just that my family would see that as self-destructive, you know? They're kind of either really traditional or purists or something. They are not open to their kids experimenting with anything. In general, they're okay, but when it comes to their family, like the younger generation, a part of which I am, they'd go apeshit.
And so there lies the real issue here: I feel like I'm locked down and confined. I feel like I have no freedom to explore. That's probably why I can only come up with complete personality make-overs as a rebellion or something. Except they're not complete, since those things, like drinking and smoking weed, aren't really extreme at all and they're just mostly for the shock value and I don't know.
Maybe they're only like this because we're still children and parents/adults always think they know what's better.
Doesn't change the fact that it boxes the kid in.
I mean, on one hand, doing this is like creating a whole new role for me to play-act and it would be so fun. I could spend all my time thinking this out properly, you know, making a list of things that should mark my supposed self-destruction in a gradual, chronologically way. Like, small things first, maybe eating less, not taking care of my hygiene, then eventually things like not going to lecture closely followed by seeking out pot-sellers. I'll hang out with them and maybe try pot once or twice.
On the other hand, I would also have to face the consequences of looking like I'm headed down a straight path to nowhere. My mother freezing me out, maybe kicking me out (yes, I live with my mommy) or my brother being an asshole (very effective, but not much different really) or cousins/other extended family asking all sorts of intrusive questions. I don't know.
Even more to the point, is that even really self-destruction? I mean, yeah, taking drugs could be self-destructive, but my plan is really tame. A lot of people have taken one or two hits and have been perfectly un-self-destructive. Not going to lecture? Who cares? I mean, honestly, how many people even go to lecture?
It's just that my family would see that as self-destructive, you know? They're kind of either really traditional or purists or something. They are not open to their kids experimenting with anything. In general, they're okay, but when it comes to their family, like the younger generation, a part of which I am, they'd go apeshit.
And so there lies the real issue here: I feel like I'm locked down and confined. I feel like I have no freedom to explore. That's probably why I can only come up with complete personality make-overs as a rebellion or something. Except they're not complete, since those things, like drinking and smoking weed, aren't really extreme at all and they're just mostly for the shock value and I don't know.
Maybe they're only like this because we're still children and parents/adults always think they know what's better.
Doesn't change the fact that it boxes the kid in.
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