I mean, I think that's something that you don't seem to understand the most and so you brush off as stupid or silly. I want to do things. I want to go out and see my friends and talk to them often. I do things just because I want to. I don't see them to worry you or to throw you aside like some piece of trash, expecting that I'm number one on your priority list. All I think about when I go to see my friends is that I want to see them for myself. I want to see them 'cause I enjoy being around them and they make me laugh and think about things I wouldn't otherwise think about. They draw me from my bubble of self-absorption. I want to see them for me, and sometimes for them, but mostly for me.
I don't see them at night after you leave for work because I like to sneak behind your back. I see them then because it's the most convenient, it's time that we all have off.
I go out not because I don't care about you or respect you. I respect you as a person. I don't respect your rules because they don't make sense to me, because they seem solely founded upon you wanting me not to change and grow apart from you. So I ask you to explain it to me, I ask you why. By asking you to explain yourself, I'm challenging your rules, not your authority. I'm not challenging your place as my mother, I'm not saying you're not important to me and so I'll just ignore you anyway. I'm asking you to explain your thinking, to re-evaluate your thinking objectively and be open for discussion. But if you don't offer up any explanation and instead try to incriminate me by asking questions, you're not making your point. You're only further showing your own biases. I'm not going to understand if you don't say it outright.
Even if you don't change your mind, at least think about what I'm saying, why I'm saying things. Don't just brush it off like I don't know anything, because even though I haven't seen anything of the world, I still have my own mind, capable of making decisions for myself. Which also, by the way, means that I make mistakes. And not-mistakes.
I know you think I'm naive, that things aren't that simple. But why can't they be? An example you used to try to convince me I was wrong for saying that I hadn't seen my friend in a long time was, "I have friends I haven't seen in years, does that mean I should go see them?" And my reply was that if you really wanted to, why wouldn't you? If you really wanted to see that person, you could. There's nothing stopping you. And then, you brushed me off as if I was being ridiculous. I stand by my position. It is that simple, that you go see that person. I mean, maybe you have to save money to get plane tickets and shopping money 'cause they're in a different country, but still, you could. You could work to that goal and see them. If you were ready to make that a priority, nothing would stop you, except natural disasters and/or death.
What I get from your example and your reply is that you've never wanted to see anyone that much. Or you've always allowed things to stop you, that you've just stood aside and waited for it to happen because some things you can't control. But you can help things along, mother. You can try and try and try until something changes. Because when one thing changes, everything changes.
The more I think about it, the more I realize that you want me to trust you and to depend on you. But you lash out when I don't and then further alienate me.
