Wednesday, December 28, 2011
Saturday, December 10, 2011
Now, I'm not sure..
..if I should go down this spiral of pretend self-destruction because a) this pretend self-destruction might lead to actual self-destruction or b) people around me will think I'm being self-destructive and therefore act as if I was, leading back to a).
I mean, on one hand, doing this is like creating a whole new role for me to play-act and it would be so fun. I could spend all my time thinking this out properly, you know, making a list of things that should mark my supposed self-destruction in a gradual, chronologically way. Like, small things first, maybe eating less, not taking care of my hygiene, then eventually things like not going to lecture closely followed by seeking out pot-sellers. I'll hang out with them and maybe try pot once or twice.
On the other hand, I would also have to face the consequences of looking like I'm headed down a straight path to nowhere. My mother freezing me out, maybe kicking me out (yes, I live with my mommy) or my brother being an asshole (very effective, but not much different really) or cousins/other extended family asking all sorts of intrusive questions. I don't know.
Even more to the point, is that even really self-destruction? I mean, yeah, taking drugs could be self-destructive, but my plan is really tame. A lot of people have taken one or two hits and have been perfectly un-self-destructive. Not going to lecture? Who cares? I mean, honestly, how many people even go to lecture?
It's just that my family would see that as self-destructive, you know? They're kind of either really traditional or purists or something. They are not open to their kids experimenting with anything. In general, they're okay, but when it comes to their family, like the younger generation, a part of which I am, they'd go apeshit.
And so there lies the real issue here: I feel like I'm locked down and confined. I feel like I have no freedom to explore. That's probably why I can only come up with complete personality make-overs as a rebellion or something. Except they're not complete, since those things, like drinking and smoking weed, aren't really extreme at all and they're just mostly for the shock value and I don't know.
Maybe they're only like this because we're still children and parents/adults always think they know what's better.
Doesn't change the fact that it boxes the kid in.
I mean, on one hand, doing this is like creating a whole new role for me to play-act and it would be so fun. I could spend all my time thinking this out properly, you know, making a list of things that should mark my supposed self-destruction in a gradual, chronologically way. Like, small things first, maybe eating less, not taking care of my hygiene, then eventually things like not going to lecture closely followed by seeking out pot-sellers. I'll hang out with them and maybe try pot once or twice.
On the other hand, I would also have to face the consequences of looking like I'm headed down a straight path to nowhere. My mother freezing me out, maybe kicking me out (yes, I live with my mommy) or my brother being an asshole (very effective, but not much different really) or cousins/other extended family asking all sorts of intrusive questions. I don't know.
Even more to the point, is that even really self-destruction? I mean, yeah, taking drugs could be self-destructive, but my plan is really tame. A lot of people have taken one or two hits and have been perfectly un-self-destructive. Not going to lecture? Who cares? I mean, honestly, how many people even go to lecture?
It's just that my family would see that as self-destructive, you know? They're kind of either really traditional or purists or something. They are not open to their kids experimenting with anything. In general, they're okay, but when it comes to their family, like the younger generation, a part of which I am, they'd go apeshit.
And so there lies the real issue here: I feel like I'm locked down and confined. I feel like I have no freedom to explore. That's probably why I can only come up with complete personality make-overs as a rebellion or something. Except they're not complete, since those things, like drinking and smoking weed, aren't really extreme at all and they're just mostly for the shock value and I don't know.
Maybe they're only like this because we're still children and parents/adults always think they know what's better.
Doesn't change the fact that it boxes the kid in.
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Time Machine
Usually I hate things about wistfulness and yearning. Like, "if I had the chance, I'd do something different" or "I should've gone with that shampoo" or stuff about how you'd choose a different option when you never know how that other option could've ended up. You have no idea, and yet you're willing to risk everything you've worked to build, you've struggled to stay afloat, and you'd just leave all of that unfinished and that work pointless just for the chance to see a different road that might and most likely would've ended/continued to a fuck-all path. You might've had the result you thought you'd get, but you might not. You NEVER KNOW and still, you'd risk it?
That sounds like bullshit to me.
It can ALWAYS get worse. And plus, you always hear about people being afraid of things they don't know. Are these the same people we're talking about here? But okay, public opinion/word of mouth isn't exactly the best kind of evidence. But seriously, you're surviving, or you're falling, whichever one, but at least you know what's going on. You know where you are on this particular path whether you're getting a straight 4.0 GPA or pushed down the rabbit hole of drug abuse, you know exactly where you are at this exact moment. That definitely counts for something.
Maybe your life right now is shit. Maybe you wish you had taken bio instead of english because english is stupid and you have to write essays and be insightful and you have some kind of issue where everything you say out loud sounds like crap. Maybe you have no house and you had to lie on the cold sidewalk as snow fell around you and you're shivering in your dirty, holey rags. Maybe your socks are wet. Maybe you're a cult leader. Maybe you lost your job. Maybe your people, whoever they might be, family, friends, whatever, maybe they hate you.
It doesn't matter because every next step you take is one where you branch out to what you so fervently wished for two minutes ago. Instead of just sitting there or lying there wishing you weren't here, struggle more for where you are.
It hurts like hell. It will continue to hurt like hell. Nothing will ease this pain. But the only thing that really validates your existence is this struggle. People might not remember your name or your face or whatever. God might not exist or care or whatever. You might never do something worthy of being acknowledged, like blazing a trail or fucking up really badly. What is important that you try anyway, knowing that you're just as insignificant as that fly you slapped between your hands in the summer or that snail you crushed by accident on your way to your bus stop.
By the way, at the start of this half-assed, more-offensive-than-inspirational speech, I was totally going in a different direction. Now, I've struggled to put forth some kind cathartic and judgmental rant that is more than likely attacking (not intentionally, I assure you) people who have no way of struggling. I'm sorry. This was how I struggled in the moment.
That sounds like bullshit to me.
It can ALWAYS get worse. And plus, you always hear about people being afraid of things they don't know. Are these the same people we're talking about here? But okay, public opinion/word of mouth isn't exactly the best kind of evidence. But seriously, you're surviving, or you're falling, whichever one, but at least you know what's going on. You know where you are on this particular path whether you're getting a straight 4.0 GPA or pushed down the rabbit hole of drug abuse, you know exactly where you are at this exact moment. That definitely counts for something.
Maybe your life right now is shit. Maybe you wish you had taken bio instead of english because english is stupid and you have to write essays and be insightful and you have some kind of issue where everything you say out loud sounds like crap. Maybe you have no house and you had to lie on the cold sidewalk as snow fell around you and you're shivering in your dirty, holey rags. Maybe your socks are wet. Maybe you're a cult leader. Maybe you lost your job. Maybe your people, whoever they might be, family, friends, whatever, maybe they hate you.
It doesn't matter because every next step you take is one where you branch out to what you so fervently wished for two minutes ago. Instead of just sitting there or lying there wishing you weren't here, struggle more for where you are.
It hurts like hell. It will continue to hurt like hell. Nothing will ease this pain. But the only thing that really validates your existence is this struggle. People might not remember your name or your face or whatever. God might not exist or care or whatever. You might never do something worthy of being acknowledged, like blazing a trail or fucking up really badly. What is important that you try anyway, knowing that you're just as insignificant as that fly you slapped between your hands in the summer or that snail you crushed by accident on your way to your bus stop.
By the way, at the start of this half-assed, more-offensive-than-inspirational speech, I was totally going in a different direction. Now, I've struggled to put forth some kind cathartic and judgmental rant that is more than likely attacking (not intentionally, I assure you) people who have no way of struggling. I'm sorry. This was how I struggled in the moment.
Saturday, November 5, 2011
Conditioning? Or is it brainwashing?
Okay, here's the deal. I have a hard time feeling righteous.
No, no, obviously I can feel perfectly righteous and selfish seeing as I totally ranted about not wanting to help my mother with her unintentionally non-profit store. I meant I can't feel righteous about other things, like say, world peace. Or starvation. Or politics. Or school. Or recycling. And this can continue forever.
Basically, I cannot feel wronged for the sake of others no matter how justified it may or may not be. Let's give you an example. Some guy says "You're retarded." Now I am torn between two reactions: a) feeling offended that he is misusing the term and totally lumping all people with mental illness or developmental conditions in a derogatory mass, or b) laughing and playing along to social norms.
Of course, nine times out of ten, I will go with b). Which could mean that I either i) care more about people-pleasing and befriending someone (anyone) with whom I don't necessarily agree than how language can hurt others or ii) understand social norms and can act perfectly in sync with them. Obviously, the reason it i), but it doesn't matter because it is clear that in both cases, my priority is not offending others myself. I mean, yeah, sometimes the person doesn't mean to offend, they just use the terms in question because they heard it used in a similar context and don't think about how offensive they are or can be. My reason though is I don't want to start shit that might alienate me. I don't want to be mentally blacklisted by the people around me, or have them think I'm overly sensitive and annoyingly self-righteous.
But this isn't just a one-facet problem, it applies to pretty much everything. I was in the Gay Straight Alliance in my high school. I had no idea what was okay and what wasn't, always getting the cue from others. In fact, I still don't. I have not joined my post-secondary educational institute's version of the GSA because I am not gay. I don't know if they welcome allies, though if you think about it logically, there's no way they can deny people joining their club without a legitimate reason. There is still fear in me that I'll get rejected or even worse, break what I understand to be norms.
Another example: when people talk bad about a professor of mine. People have spirited opinions. I do not. I'll just go along with what they think. A classmate of mine often talks about how the professor drags his lectures meaninglessly and how we never actually get to the second half of his slideshow. She hates this professor. I just nod and list more examples, encouraging her to rant, though I don't feel as strongly and am more or less indifferent to how he conducts his lectures.
I'm always hesitant to make any arguable declarations about myself, because in developing a persona, people can reject me or dislike me. That is why I take other people's opinions and their righteousness and use them to build an armour of persona. I like to half-joke with my closest friends that I'm a cut and paste of everyone I've ever known or to whom I've spoken. It's true.
I am such a weak person and I hate myself for it. I really do. But it's still not enough to overpower my desperate longing for friends. (About half of me realizes one does not exclude the other, but the other half is stronger.) I also know that living in limbo does not get me friends either. The people I know and spend time with don't actually know me and my issues. They think I'm sane and perhaps a little blunt and socially inept, but not neurotic. It's hard to form deep, lasting friendships when you can't be yourself because you don't know who you are.
No, no, obviously I can feel perfectly righteous and selfish seeing as I totally ranted about not wanting to help my mother with her unintentionally non-profit store. I meant I can't feel righteous about other things, like say, world peace. Or starvation. Or politics. Or school. Or recycling. And this can continue forever.
Basically, I cannot feel wronged for the sake of others no matter how justified it may or may not be. Let's give you an example. Some guy says "You're retarded." Now I am torn between two reactions: a) feeling offended that he is misusing the term and totally lumping all people with mental illness or developmental conditions in a derogatory mass, or b) laughing and playing along to social norms.
Of course, nine times out of ten, I will go with b). Which could mean that I either i) care more about people-pleasing and befriending someone (anyone) with whom I don't necessarily agree than how language can hurt others or ii) understand social norms and can act perfectly in sync with them. Obviously, the reason it i), but it doesn't matter because it is clear that in both cases, my priority is not offending others myself. I mean, yeah, sometimes the person doesn't mean to offend, they just use the terms in question because they heard it used in a similar context and don't think about how offensive they are or can be. My reason though is I don't want to start shit that might alienate me. I don't want to be mentally blacklisted by the people around me, or have them think I'm overly sensitive and annoyingly self-righteous.
But this isn't just a one-facet problem, it applies to pretty much everything. I was in the Gay Straight Alliance in my high school. I had no idea what was okay and what wasn't, always getting the cue from others. In fact, I still don't. I have not joined my post-secondary educational institute's version of the GSA because I am not gay. I don't know if they welcome allies, though if you think about it logically, there's no way they can deny people joining their club without a legitimate reason. There is still fear in me that I'll get rejected or even worse, break what I understand to be norms.
Another example: when people talk bad about a professor of mine. People have spirited opinions. I do not. I'll just go along with what they think. A classmate of mine often talks about how the professor drags his lectures meaninglessly and how we never actually get to the second half of his slideshow. She hates this professor. I just nod and list more examples, encouraging her to rant, though I don't feel as strongly and am more or less indifferent to how he conducts his lectures.
I'm always hesitant to make any arguable declarations about myself, because in developing a persona, people can reject me or dislike me. That is why I take other people's opinions and their righteousness and use them to build an armour of persona. I like to half-joke with my closest friends that I'm a cut and paste of everyone I've ever known or to whom I've spoken. It's true.
I am such a weak person and I hate myself for it. I really do. But it's still not enough to overpower my desperate longing for friends. (About half of me realizes one does not exclude the other, but the other half is stronger.) I also know that living in limbo does not get me friends either. The people I know and spend time with don't actually know me and my issues. They think I'm sane and perhaps a little blunt and socially inept, but not neurotic. It's hard to form deep, lasting friendships when you can't be yourself because you don't know who you are.
Thursday, October 20, 2011
Regression
I've taken to wordless whining when I really want something. It verges almost on the edge of whimpering, kind of plaintive, but more obnoxious. I really, really want House of Leaves by Mark Z. Danielewski. REALLY.
Don't tell me if you've read it or liked it. I need this for myself.
I know, I sound really dismissive and who do I think I am? I need this feeling though, this want for something. I think this is worth living for.
Of course, wait till tomorrow, when I have my psych midterm and see if I say the same thing. I'm like three chapters behind the reading and at least ten lectures behind the class.
Don't tell me if you've read it or liked it. I need this for myself.
I know, I sound really dismissive and who do I think I am? I need this feeling though, this want for something. I think this is worth living for.
Of course, wait till tomorrow, when I have my psych midterm and see if I say the same thing. I'm like three chapters behind the reading and at least ten lectures behind the class.
Monday, October 17, 2011
hurt + resentment = hate
WHEN WILL YOU UNDERSTAND THAT I DON’T GIVE A SHIT? HONEST TO GOD. I REALLY, REALLY DON’T. YOU KEEP BITCHING AND BITCHING ABOUT THIS AND THAT. YOU KEEP HARPING ON ABOUT FILIAL PIETY, HOW I HAVEN’T HELPED YOU MOVE SHIT (WHICH I CAN’T) AND HAVEN’T PLACED THE SHIT ON THE SHELVES (FOR WHICH I DON’T HAVE TIME AND PLAIN DON’T CARE ABOUT) AND HOW I SIT AT HOME, USELESS, WASTING YOUR TIME.
I DON’T GIVE A FLYING FUCK ABOUT YOUR STUPID UNSUCCESSFUL BUSINESS. THAT MEANS I DON’T WANT YOUR STUPID SHELVES IN MY ROOM, I DON’T WANT TO KNOW ABOUT YOUR STUPID STORE-LADY GOSSIP AND I REALLY COULDN’T CARE LESS ABOUT WHERE YOU PLACE YOUR SHIT AS LONG AS IT’S NOT IN MY ROOM.
FOR YOUR INFORMATION, I KNOW I’M WASTING TIME. MY TIME. NOT YOURS. I DON’T LIVE SOLELY TO BECKON TO YOUR EVERY CALL. I DON’T EXIST TO SERVE YOU. I DO EXIST OUT OF CONTEXT OF YOU. THAT’S SOMETHING YOU NEED TO UNDERSTAND.
IN OTHER WORDS, PLEASE NOTICE THAT I HAVE A LIFE OF MY OWN. OBVIOUSLY IT’S NOT TOTALLY INDEPENDENT OF YOU BECAUSE I DO LIVE IN YOUR HOUSE AND EAT YOUR FOOD, BUT THAT MEANS THAT I’M NOT GOING TO BEND OVER BACKWARDS TO YIELD TO YOUR COMMANDS. THAT ALSO MEANS THAT WHATEVER MONEY I HAVE WILL BE SPENT IN WHATEVER FASHION I DECIDE.
YOU’VE GOT TO STOP TRYING TO BIND ME TO YOU BECAUSE AS MUCH AS I DO RESPECT YOU AND AS MUCH AS I DO LOVE YOU, I DON’T EXIST FOR YOU. I EXIST BECAUSE OF YOU. I CAN’T DEDICATE MY LIFE TO REPAYING YOU THROUGH FILIAL PIETY.
WHY CAN’T YOU REALIZE THAT I’M A SELFISH PERSON, BUT UNDOUBTEDLY A PERSON. AS A HUMAN BEING, SOMEONE WHO HAS HER OWN THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS. YOU CAN’T HONESTLY EXPECT ME TO DO SOMETHING FOR YOU WHEN YOU JUST PUT ME DOWN, DO YOU? REALLY?
I HAVE MORE SELF-RESPECT THAN THAT.
NOT THAT YOU’LL EVER APPRECIATE THAT. BUT IF IT EVER OCCURS TO YOU THAT I DO DESERVE RESPECT AS A HUMAN BEING AND NOT JUST BECAUSE I’M AN EXTENSION OF YOU (BECAUSE I REALLY, REALLY AM NOT) PLEASE TAKE ME SERIOUSLY AND MY OPINIONS TO ACCOUNT.
BECAUSE IF YOU HADN’T NOTICED, I DID WARN YOU YOUR BUSINESS WOULD MORE THAN LIKELY FAIL, AS OTHERS DID FOR THE SAME REASONS. IN FACT, ALL OF THE PEOPLE AROUND YOU WHO CARE ABOUT YOU TOLD YOU THE SAME. WHY DIDN’T YOU LISTEN TO US?
AND NOW YOU CONCEDE ONLY A LITTLE AND I UNDERSTAND IT’S A SACRIFICE, BUT IT’S HONESTLY A SACRIFICE YOU COULD’VE AVOIDED. AND YOU SHOULD’VE ENDED THE BUSINESS. BUT YOU DIDN’T. AND NOW YOU’RE FUCKING UP MY PEACE AS WELL AS EVERYONE ELSE’S. PLEASE, PLEASE COME TO YOUR SENSES.
THERE IS REALLY NO POINT TO YOUR BUSINESS. LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE.
I DON’T GIVE A FLYING FUCK ABOUT YOUR STUPID UNSUCCESSFUL BUSINESS. THAT MEANS I DON’T WANT YOUR STUPID SHELVES IN MY ROOM, I DON’T WANT TO KNOW ABOUT YOUR STUPID STORE-LADY GOSSIP AND I REALLY COULDN’T CARE LESS ABOUT WHERE YOU PLACE YOUR SHIT AS LONG AS IT’S NOT IN MY ROOM.
FOR YOUR INFORMATION, I KNOW I’M WASTING TIME. MY TIME. NOT YOURS. I DON’T LIVE SOLELY TO BECKON TO YOUR EVERY CALL. I DON’T EXIST TO SERVE YOU. I DO EXIST OUT OF CONTEXT OF YOU. THAT’S SOMETHING YOU NEED TO UNDERSTAND.
IN OTHER WORDS, PLEASE NOTICE THAT I HAVE A LIFE OF MY OWN. OBVIOUSLY IT’S NOT TOTALLY INDEPENDENT OF YOU BECAUSE I DO LIVE IN YOUR HOUSE AND EAT YOUR FOOD, BUT THAT MEANS THAT I’M NOT GOING TO BEND OVER BACKWARDS TO YIELD TO YOUR COMMANDS. THAT ALSO MEANS THAT WHATEVER MONEY I HAVE WILL BE SPENT IN WHATEVER FASHION I DECIDE.
YOU’VE GOT TO STOP TRYING TO BIND ME TO YOU BECAUSE AS MUCH AS I DO RESPECT YOU AND AS MUCH AS I DO LOVE YOU, I DON’T EXIST FOR YOU. I EXIST BECAUSE OF YOU. I CAN’T DEDICATE MY LIFE TO REPAYING YOU THROUGH FILIAL PIETY.
WHY CAN’T YOU REALIZE THAT I’M A SELFISH PERSON, BUT UNDOUBTEDLY A PERSON. AS A HUMAN BEING, SOMEONE WHO HAS HER OWN THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS. YOU CAN’T HONESTLY EXPECT ME TO DO SOMETHING FOR YOU WHEN YOU JUST PUT ME DOWN, DO YOU? REALLY?
I HAVE MORE SELF-RESPECT THAN THAT.
NOT THAT YOU’LL EVER APPRECIATE THAT. BUT IF IT EVER OCCURS TO YOU THAT I DO DESERVE RESPECT AS A HUMAN BEING AND NOT JUST BECAUSE I’M AN EXTENSION OF YOU (BECAUSE I REALLY, REALLY AM NOT) PLEASE TAKE ME SERIOUSLY AND MY OPINIONS TO ACCOUNT.
BECAUSE IF YOU HADN’T NOTICED, I DID WARN YOU YOUR BUSINESS WOULD MORE THAN LIKELY FAIL, AS OTHERS DID FOR THE SAME REASONS. IN FACT, ALL OF THE PEOPLE AROUND YOU WHO CARE ABOUT YOU TOLD YOU THE SAME. WHY DIDN’T YOU LISTEN TO US?
AND NOW YOU CONCEDE ONLY A LITTLE AND I UNDERSTAND IT’S A SACRIFICE, BUT IT’S HONESTLY A SACRIFICE YOU COULD’VE AVOIDED. AND YOU SHOULD’VE ENDED THE BUSINESS. BUT YOU DIDN’T. AND NOW YOU’RE FUCKING UP MY PEACE AS WELL AS EVERYONE ELSE’S. PLEASE, PLEASE COME TO YOUR SENSES.
THERE IS REALLY NO POINT TO YOUR BUSINESS. LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE.
I'm not sure how it works
And I don't know how to explain this to you. You, all of you, any of you, none of you.
I honestly don't know.
I mean, acting indifferent is cool, right? So when I shrug and mutter something about not giving shit, what am I doing? I've done it so often, it's become true.
But it just feels like I'm shutting people out. I don't know how to care about something without feeling pathetic and desperate. I don't know how to show someone I care about something or someone without feeling hopeless and insecure.
I really, really, don't know. Believe me.
But maybe tomorrow, I won't think this anymore. Maybe all this insecurity that's only a part of me will become me entirely tomorrow, to an extent where I can't even post this on my blog like an angsty, impulsive teenager. (See I can't even blog without putting myself down.)
So there.
I honestly don't know.
I mean, acting indifferent is cool, right? So when I shrug and mutter something about not giving shit, what am I doing? I've done it so often, it's become true.
But it just feels like I'm shutting people out. I don't know how to care about something without feeling pathetic and desperate. I don't know how to show someone I care about something or someone without feeling hopeless and insecure.
I really, really, don't know. Believe me.
But maybe tomorrow, I won't think this anymore. Maybe all this insecurity that's only a part of me will become me entirely tomorrow, to an extent where I can't even post this on my blog like an angsty, impulsive teenager. (See I can't even blog without putting myself down.)
So there.
Monday, October 10, 2011
Angst Be Gone
I'm looking back at my posts and I realize just how anguished I was, emotionally. There was a time I preferred sleeping to being awake. Let me put it this way: I would wish I didn't wake up. Selfish, huh?
I don't know. It was hard for me and I definitely did not work through it. It just got easier to handle, or I got used to it. Most of it I think was because there were so many assignments that I knew I had no interest in completing and I was actually thinking seriously of not doing them. I wasn't in a good place. To be honest, I never really am, but this was like all those moments magnified because it was my last year in high school, the last couple of months when everything was due and even though I had like three classes, my grip was slippery. Grip on what, I don't know.
Like I mentioned before, it's not like it got better or easier, it's just renewed. I mean all the due dates have passed and all the things that you usually get excited about happened and well, been there done that.
Then new angst popped up, in the form of that old friend of mine, Incompetence. Well, really, my problem is my lack of perception, or my shitty observation skills. This problem has manifested itself through every aspect of my life and I react the very same way everytime. It's something that makes me incompetent and anxious and then I set myself up to crash and burn. I didn't wish that I didn't wake up at that time, I just wished I didn't have a job. Which is an improvement?
I don't know.
Well, I quit. And resolved to get another job. Still haven't found one.
I woke up in the middle of summer one morning at like five am and went through a complete, I don't know, debugging in my mind. I decided to enrol in a different university than I'd already accepted for a completely different program and did so in a matter of two weeks. Then I selected my courses, got my shit together and now I study English instead of Biological Science.
At this current moment, I am stalling the writing of my four page paper on Dylan Thomas's "Do Not Go Gentle into that Good Night". I may have mistyped the title, I'm not sure. Anyway, I can't write it because of my incompetence (lack of observation related, but not so much) in poetic analysis.
I still don't know what I'm doing.
I don't know. It was hard for me and I definitely did not work through it. It just got easier to handle, or I got used to it. Most of it I think was because there were so many assignments that I knew I had no interest in completing and I was actually thinking seriously of not doing them. I wasn't in a good place. To be honest, I never really am, but this was like all those moments magnified because it was my last year in high school, the last couple of months when everything was due and even though I had like three classes, my grip was slippery. Grip on what, I don't know.
Like I mentioned before, it's not like it got better or easier, it's just renewed. I mean all the due dates have passed and all the things that you usually get excited about happened and well, been there done that.
Then new angst popped up, in the form of that old friend of mine, Incompetence. Well, really, my problem is my lack of perception, or my shitty observation skills. This problem has manifested itself through every aspect of my life and I react the very same way everytime. It's something that makes me incompetent and anxious and then I set myself up to crash and burn. I didn't wish that I didn't wake up at that time, I just wished I didn't have a job. Which is an improvement?
I don't know.
Well, I quit. And resolved to get another job. Still haven't found one.
I woke up in the middle of summer one morning at like five am and went through a complete, I don't know, debugging in my mind. I decided to enrol in a different university than I'd already accepted for a completely different program and did so in a matter of two weeks. Then I selected my courses, got my shit together and now I study English instead of Biological Science.
At this current moment, I am stalling the writing of my four page paper on Dylan Thomas's "Do Not Go Gentle into that Good Night". I may have mistyped the title, I'm not sure. Anyway, I can't write it because of my incompetence (lack of observation related, but not so much) in poetic analysis.
I still don't know what I'm doing.
Thursday, June 9, 2011
Mommy
When was it that I stopped asking for your approval?
When was it that I started to keep things secret?
Why do you ignore my input for things regarding me?
Why don't you accept that some things I have to learn by rote?
How did I ever realize that unconsciousness is better than consciousness?
How did you never stop to wonder if I was okay?
What happened that your face is more lined than ever, that your health conditions get increasingly serious?
What happened that I now purposely miss your intentions and what you want for me?
Where was it that we last left off?
When was it that I started to keep things secret?
Why do you ignore my input for things regarding me?
Why don't you accept that some things I have to learn by rote?
How did I ever realize that unconsciousness is better than consciousness?
How did you never stop to wonder if I was okay?
What happened that your face is more lined than ever, that your health conditions get increasingly serious?
What happened that I now purposely miss your intentions and what you want for me?
Where was it that we last left off?
Sunday, June 5, 2011
I'm good..
on the university front. Not that great in French though.
Too much shit to do. No way I can turn. Atelier, ISP Essay, le SLAM and the discours itself. I am SO screwed. The good thing: if I crash and burn for the Atelier, my group burns with me. The rest, not so much. But it's worth ten percent. I can forgo ten percent, really. What about the atelier? Worth about the same as a test, which is what, ten percent? That's twenty percent right there. It'll be like my mark will be counted backwards from eighty if I don't do them. I cannot risk that.
Yeah, to top it off, during the worst time ever for emotional anguish, I'm kind of devastated because I think I like someone who will never like me in a million years. No, it's not one of those fangirl crushes, liking someone unattainable or out of your league like a supermodel or rockstar. We're actually friends. Tell me this doesn't suck.
Too much shit to do. No way I can turn. Atelier, ISP Essay, le SLAM and the discours itself. I am SO screwed. The good thing: if I crash and burn for the Atelier, my group burns with me. The rest, not so much. But it's worth ten percent. I can forgo ten percent, really. What about the atelier? Worth about the same as a test, which is what, ten percent? That's twenty percent right there. It'll be like my mark will be counted backwards from eighty if I don't do them. I cannot risk that.
Yeah, to top it off, during the worst time ever for emotional anguish, I'm kind of devastated because I think I like someone who will never like me in a million years. No, it's not one of those fangirl crushes, liking someone unattainable or out of your league like a supermodel or rockstar. We're actually friends. Tell me this doesn't suck.
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
It kinda hurts, but not really
It mostly just irritates me.
My offers of admission to universities all expire tomorrow.
My mother stopped making me lunch. Which is, you know, understandable, since I'm eighteen. And going to university.
Don't know where to click
Because I don't know what to click
So I pretend I don't know how and what my mother wants.
Miserable, I think. I build things up to break me down. So I'd be miserable. And it's not like I'm choosing the one I am because I'm going to slack off. It's more a personal happiness thing. But you know, a parent only cares that it's well-known so it'll be easier to get a job in the future. Perfectly understandable. But I'm stagnant and it'll only get worse if I'm thrust into an environment that I will dread and be inferior and such.
Explanation: I'm the type of person who quits easily if discouraged even the slightest bit. If you look at it from Amy Chua's perspective, I'm a selfish, ungrateful child because my mother did not have the time to make sure that I was raised properly in the asian child mold. So no, I won't suddenly be humble and motivated to work hard because I'll be starting at the bottom. I'll stay at the bottom because I live by stereotypes and expectations and avoid as much effort and change as I can.
My offers of admission to universities all expire tomorrow.
My mother stopped making me lunch. Which is, you know, understandable, since I'm eighteen. And going to university.
Don't know where to click
Because I don't know what to click
So I pretend I don't know how and what my mother wants.
Miserable, I think. I build things up to break me down. So I'd be miserable. And it's not like I'm choosing the one I am because I'm going to slack off. It's more a personal happiness thing. But you know, a parent only cares that it's well-known so it'll be easier to get a job in the future. Perfectly understandable. But I'm stagnant and it'll only get worse if I'm thrust into an environment that I will dread and be inferior and such.
Explanation: I'm the type of person who quits easily if discouraged even the slightest bit. If you look at it from Amy Chua's perspective, I'm a selfish, ungrateful child because my mother did not have the time to make sure that I was raised properly in the asian child mold. So no, I won't suddenly be humble and motivated to work hard because I'll be starting at the bottom. I'll stay at the bottom because I live by stereotypes and expectations and avoid as much effort and change as I can.
Friday, May 27, 2011
Funny story..
I'm the type of person who does things for the sake of doing them. For example, I apply to the university programs that I do not because I want to study in that particular field or see a future in said field, but because I don't think I'll get in.
I'm the type of person who applies to UOIT for Biological Science because the acceptance cutoff is seventy percent and I'm pretty much guaranteed an acceptance. I applied to that same university for forensic psychology on a lark.
I'm the type of person who applies to York, Glendon Campus for both French AND English just in case I don't get anywhere. (Stupid really, because I have less of a chance in getting into York than UOIT.)
In fact, I applied to U of T St. George, Life Sciences, KNOWING that I wouldn't get in.
Guess what?
I got in to EVERYTHING. Everything I ever wanted, but didn't really because it was too much work (I'm lazy and don't see the point in changing this) or there would be no scholarship and blah. Honestly though, I'm scared. What if I can't make it? What if I'm kicked out because I can't keep up? This is entirely possible because - and trust me when I say I am not being modest here - that I am not intelligent.
I'm full of parlour tricks, like remembering certain details and understanding some concepts. I often miss the point or the big picture and can't think critically beyond what is obvious. Even worse, I can't even fake intelligent well. I'm incoherent, I act immature, and I don't know what I'm talking about, ever.
If I am absolutely no-holds-barred honest though, I'd have to say, Life Sciences does not appeal to me. Biological Science does not appeal to me. English appeals to me. Maybe not at York though, half because of the reputation (yes, I'm prejudiced) and half because that place has seen fires, rape and murder all in the span of two years. But, aside from that, English and literature appeal to me. Creative writing appeals to me (no, I'm not any good, it's for self-gratification).
Then why not apply for english or humanities or whatever in the first place, you may ask? Well, it's simple. My family would look down on it. Also, there's a good chance I'd end up sans job, sans money and therefore sans house, car and life. You could argue though that that's the future of every student who does not plan grad school because what can you do with a BSC or BA or whatever, right?
On top of that, there's transportation to consider. All the money that'll have to go into it and life just generally sucks. Most importantly, I have no job.
It's all this poison and shit swirling through my head and I can't decide what to do. I have to give my answer in two days.
I'm the type of person who applies to UOIT for Biological Science because the acceptance cutoff is seventy percent and I'm pretty much guaranteed an acceptance. I applied to that same university for forensic psychology on a lark.
I'm the type of person who applies to York, Glendon Campus for both French AND English just in case I don't get anywhere. (Stupid really, because I have less of a chance in getting into York than UOIT.)
In fact, I applied to U of T St. George, Life Sciences, KNOWING that I wouldn't get in.
Guess what?
I got in to EVERYTHING. Everything I ever wanted, but didn't really because it was too much work (I'm lazy and don't see the point in changing this) or there would be no scholarship and blah. Honestly though, I'm scared. What if I can't make it? What if I'm kicked out because I can't keep up? This is entirely possible because - and trust me when I say I am not being modest here - that I am not intelligent.
I'm full of parlour tricks, like remembering certain details and understanding some concepts. I often miss the point or the big picture and can't think critically beyond what is obvious. Even worse, I can't even fake intelligent well. I'm incoherent, I act immature, and I don't know what I'm talking about, ever.
If I am absolutely no-holds-barred honest though, I'd have to say, Life Sciences does not appeal to me. Biological Science does not appeal to me. English appeals to me. Maybe not at York though, half because of the reputation (yes, I'm prejudiced) and half because that place has seen fires, rape and murder all in the span of two years. But, aside from that, English and literature appeal to me. Creative writing appeals to me (no, I'm not any good, it's for self-gratification).
Then why not apply for english or humanities or whatever in the first place, you may ask? Well, it's simple. My family would look down on it. Also, there's a good chance I'd end up sans job, sans money and therefore sans house, car and life. You could argue though that that's the future of every student who does not plan grad school because what can you do with a BSC or BA or whatever, right?
On top of that, there's transportation to consider. All the money that'll have to go into it and life just generally sucks. Most importantly, I have no job.
It's all this poison and shit swirling through my head and I can't decide what to do. I have to give my answer in two days.
Thursday, May 26, 2011
"Grow Up."
Ever think that that's exactly what I'm trying to do? Maybe it's just me, but when you say things to provoke a reaction from me so that you can force me to do whatever you want is immature. More than that, it's downright manipulative.
All you think about is how right you are and yes, I admit, you are some of the time. There are other times of course, you don't bother to check yourself and then go hypocrite. There are even more times you don't even know what you're talking about and yet you force your logic down my throat.
But that's okay, because I'm just biding my time until I can leave you out of my life forever. Hey, maybe it's just PMS or my inner teen drama talking, again me being all naive and self-righteous and misunderstood. Just know that every time you think you're doing your 'duty' and play dad, every time you break me down to attack my self-esteem, and every time you belittle me because I'm useless, I will remember it.
All you think about is how right you are and yes, I admit, you are some of the time. There are other times of course, you don't bother to check yourself and then go hypocrite. There are even more times you don't even know what you're talking about and yet you force your logic down my throat.
But that's okay, because I'm just biding my time until I can leave you out of my life forever. Hey, maybe it's just PMS or my inner teen drama talking, again me being all naive and self-righteous and misunderstood. Just know that every time you think you're doing your 'duty' and play dad, every time you break me down to attack my self-esteem, and every time you belittle me because I'm useless, I will remember it.
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