Angst Be Gone

I'm looking back at my posts and I realize just how anguished I was, emotionally. There was a time I preferred sleeping to being awake. Let me put it this way: I would wish I didn't wake up. Selfish, huh?

I don't know. It was hard for me and I definitely did not work through it. It just got easier to handle, or I got used to it. Most of it I think was because there were so many assignments that I knew I had no interest in completing and I was actually thinking seriously of not doing them. I wasn't in a good place. To be honest, I never really am, but this was like all those moments magnified because it was my last year in high school, the last couple of months when everything was due and even though I had like three classes, my grip was slippery. Grip on what, I don't know.

Like I mentioned before, it's not like it got better or easier, it's just renewed. I mean all the due dates have passed and all the things that you usually get excited about happened and well, been there done that.

Then new angst popped up, in the form of that old friend of mine, Incompetence. Well, really, my problem is my lack of perception, or my shitty observation skills. This problem has manifested itself through every aspect of my life and I react the very same way everytime. It's something that makes me incompetent and anxious and then I set myself up to crash and burn. I didn't wish that I didn't wake up at that time, I just wished I didn't have a job. Which is an improvement?

I don't know.

Well, I quit. And resolved to get another job. Still haven't found one.

I woke up in the middle of summer one morning at like five am and went through a complete, I don't know, debugging in my mind. I decided to enrol in a different university than I'd already accepted for a completely different program and did so in a matter of two weeks. Then I selected my courses, got my shit together and now I study English instead of Biological Science.

At this current moment, I am stalling the writing of my four page paper on Dylan Thomas's "Do Not Go Gentle into that Good Night". I may have mistyped the title, I'm not sure. Anyway, I can't write it because of my incompetence (lack of observation related, but not so much) in poetic analysis.

I still don't know what I'm doing.