Headache

I don't want a pat on the back or anything (and I can guarantee no one, including me if I wasn't writing this myself, would offer me one) because I don't deserve one nor is it really helpful in any way. I just want to vent.

Now that that's out of the way, I just did one of the hardest things I've had to do in a really long time. It's not a particularly difficult task. In fact it's a lot watered down compared to what I expected it to be, but the point is that it was hard and I've already said that three times.

Writing a resume is really hard for me. I don't have a handle on why right now but it's just hard. I think it's because I can't be honest. No matter what I write on a resume, it always feels like I'm lying. I mean, I'm pretty maladaptive and when faced with having to write out a list of my own achievements, I feel like crying because I don't have any. Now other people would say that that's not true, I've got all these awards(that don't mean jack) and I'm good at writing (in what way and how would you know anyway?!) and I'm such a good and talented person with tons of potential.

(Who is this person you're talking about? I don't see her anywhere. I can't reconcile your idea of me with my idea of me because your idea's too simplistic and you don't bother to dig deeper and my idea's too extreme and negative because I don't trust myself and so create a self-fulfilling prophecy thing where I fail at life.)

I guess another reason I hate writing resumes is that everything that goes on there, my educational background, my awards, my interests--they don't matter. None of it matters. I could be President of the Recycling Club and still be a nasty person. I could have joined all the right clubs and have all the right references and I'd still hate myself. It doesn't matter. I always think that it doesn't matter because I'd still be under-qualified. It'll never be enough. I'll never be enough.

And so there it is, the real reason I hate writing resumes and performing all these rituals that won't necessarily help my case. I feel like I will never get the job or deserve the job whether I get it or not. I feel like these things are too awesome and too all-encompassing, too enriching. I could never be worthy of them, I wouldn't learn as much from them as another person would, I would take them for granted, I'd waste such great opportunities. I don't deserve your consideration, anyone's consideration. I'm pathetic.

And I'm not even putting on a front to gain sympathy. Maybe it started out that way as a child, you know, you see people fake modesty and successfully fish for compliments and stuff. But this hasn't been fake modesty since childhood. I truly believe this.

But I still did this. I'm still doing this. I still doing all these things that are so, so hard for me. I wrote a resume, a functional resume, but still a resume. If I did it two days ago or even yesterday, I'd be like, whatever, but I wrote it today. I forced myself to open a document and open the site and follow the template and spent time on it. I wouldn't let myself get on skype until I did because it would a)have been an escape, and b)I'd be told by these wonderful friends of mine who wouldn't take my bullshit for an answer to do it anyway. And I totally could've just done a) and have it progress to b) only to prove myself right about my not deserving them because I would disappoint them by not even trying. But I didn't even let it get that far.

And even though technically, they were still most of the reason I did this in the first place, I eventually got through on my own.

And that's why I feel like crying.